Tension [RP for changehistory]

[youngerpetrelli]

It's one of those nights. He'd expect to look up past the lights of the city and see a full moon blazing in the sky, but it's still a bit lopsided, working its way to full but not quite there yet. And yet, the lunatics are out in force.

By the time he gets off shift and goes back home his nerves are jangled, every sense hyper-aware. The place is empty -- he can tell that Adam isn't there just by the way it feels -- and that only serves to intensify his discomfort. With a sigh he strips off his uniform and tosses it into the hamper, then heads for a long, hot shower.

As he's soaping his hair he reaches out with his abilities, relieved to find that Adam is heading back to the apartment. And when he reaches out further, just looking for each of his friends and family to know if they're safe, he realizes that Sylar is heading away from generally the same place that he picked up Adam's movements from. As he rinses himself clean, he wonders if they were out together tonight, and blinks in surprise at the slight flare of jealousy he feels at that.

Finally clean and dry, he settles on the couch waiting for Adam to come in, and the tension comes rushing back. After a short while, it's all he can do to keep from jumping to his feet and pacing back and forth, and when Adam's key turns the lock he does jump to his feet to greet his lover.

Instead of the welcome he planned, though, the first words out of his mouth are, "Where have you been?"

Comments

[youngerpetrelli]

He looks up at Adam, surprise and a little hurt in his eyes, along with something almost feral. "I don't mean to-- I don't want--" Stops and takes a slow, deep breath, trying to calm himself, then tries again. "I don't want him to get caught and end up locked up for murder. You of all people should know what kind of hell that would be for him. It would destroy him!"

He paces a few steps, then he turns back and says, "I didn't know it was helping him go longer. I knew he'd gone after Knox, but that was... different. That wasn't just someone on the street, Knox hurt Claire. I keep thinking about what his future self said, that every day was a struggle... But I thought if he can keep it under control, then so can I."

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

The flicker of hurt scrapes at the edges of what's left of the remnants of his conscience, but he's used to those minimal flickers and ignoring them. He knows full well what they did was something Peter thinks wrong, and the chastisement in his earlier tone--or the disappointment he doesn't want to deal with--make him retreat further into himself, behind walls he's used to, comfortable with.

"He's not going to get caught unless you do it," he points out, voice flickering to calm, though there's a hint of upset underneath it, still, no matter how he tries to hide it. "No one but us can hold him, and I've no intention of allowing that."

One eyebrow arches. "As you haven't taken to the streets looking for victims, even with both Sylar and Suresh's abilities, you seem to be controlling it far better than he. It's not just the hunger...it's knowing that the kill can relieve it, and growing addicted to the high that comes after. You've avoided that so far. He needs to break its hold on him so he can deal with just the darker side of his ability. If he'd never started killing...the situation would be different. But to go from heedlessly killing as much as he was to one person in six months is quite an improvement."

Yes, he's aware he's talking about lives, but his primary concern is Sylar, not his victims, so long as they aren't any of those he considers his.

[youngerpetrelli]

He frowns at the implication that he might turn against Sylar. "Are you kidding me? I've been defending him so much even Hiro's starting to get along with him, and believe me, that hasn't been easy considering their past. I'd never turn him in, and I sure as hell won't lock him up!"

Then his eyes narrow and he asks, "How do you know? How do you know how much I'm fighting it from day to day? I think the only reason I'm not as bad off as he is is because my empathy works better, and I can take the ability that way before the itch in the back of my mind gets unbearable. But it's still there and sometimes I want so badly to scratch it! And maybe you don't remember, or it's okay because he was one of Dad's agents, but I have lost control." And that's not the only time, but there's no way he's going to tell Adam about the first time, especially not now, knowing what he knows.

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

Adam frowns in response, and wants to snap something about his getting along with Hiro considering their past, as if some credit is being withheld from him, but he keeps his mouth shut. He supposes he's partly to blame, that it's unclear how much he struggles, too, how much he goes against those thoughts in his head, how much he stifles himself to be the person he's set himself to be for them, the person he's not completely sure if he can be. He's failed at every relationship in his life save two, and two in nearly four centuries is rather pathetic, and nothing like this, no situation this complex...it has the situation to go so right, or it could go so, so very wrong.

"So are you angry because he gave in and your moral code won't let you? Or are you afraid that you won't be able to stop yourself? Because it isn't just the ability. Someone might have the predisposition, genetically, to be an alcoholic or a junkie, but they don't have to use to the point they get addicted. Sylar did. You haven't, yet. There's the difference." He shakes his head. "How am I supposed to know how hard you fight it? I'm not the mind-reader. You go along as if ... the world isn't black and white and we don't all fit in your neat little boxes, and Gabriel did what he needed to, and if you gave in to it and came home after, I wouldn't have greeted you like this."

He's aware that rambled more than he's used to, and that he's not the one with the addiction, really, but the impulses he's been repressing are just as strong, other things rattling around in his head he doesn't know how to handle, how to keep it all from falling apart under his fingers like everything else.

[youngerpetrelli]

Of course, Peter doesn't know all the details about Hiro's and Adam's past, and has some very mixed feelings about the aftermath of whatever falling out they had -- on both sides. But, since Adam hasn't shared, and Hiro's also frighteningly good at locking down his emotions at times, it's unlikely he's going to find out any time soon.

"Yes! No! I-- damn it, Adam, I don't know!" he answers, rubbing at his forehead. "Yet. I think we both know there's enough mental instability and addictive tendencies in my family that there's the risk, and it scares me. And considering I'm involved in covering up at least two homicides and Mom's involvement in the whole New York thing, I think I'm aware there's more than black and white. And then there are nights like this when I feel like I'm going to lose my mind or crawl right out of my skin, and I'm sorry I greeted you like that but--"

He stops, breathing hard and trying to get himself back under control. "You don't talk to me about things. You want me to think everything's okay, and you never tell me what's going on in there. Instead, you go out with Sylar..." Oh.

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

The heat in Peter's voice chills Adam some, though as much as he wants to cross to him, reach out for him, the chill is almost too much to penetrate through and reach out from. It's not even Peter's fault, and logically some part of him knows that, but he can't come back down that easily, not when he's been slow building toward this for weeks--since Claire being attacked by that thing and everyone falling apart, at least, if not before.

He hates being back in the City, when once he loved it, but that's just a symptom, too, probably. Hates that Sark and Sylar are fighting and his safe one place where he truly feels he can be himself with no reservation is shattered. But the flicker in Peter's voice is what brings that home, sharpens at least that piece into perspective.

"You're not, though," Adam says, shaking his head. "You might go along with it because you care for us, but you don't approve, you don't understand. If it gets too bad..." He'll leave. Adam's pretty certain of that. "You don't talk to me either. You go to Nathan. You've never once told me how frightened you are of having Sylar's ability. And I sit here, and I...You want me to talk to you? You want to know what's going on in my head?"

He laughs without any humor. "Claire's marrying the person who made me what I am today, then buried me alive. The person I...believed in once, more than I'd ever believed in anyone, only to be betrayed and abandoned, and my granddaughter is marrying him. Do you know how fucked up that is? He buried me alive, and she's marrying him." Adam drew a steadying breath. "And you...you'll always go back to Nathan, to my son who I didn't get to raise thanks to your father, who I'm fairly certain goes back and forth with hating me half the time. You don't listen--none of you listen--when I talk about the world and where it's heading. You act like your mother and I are some kind of delusional fanatics who you need to show the way without ever taking into consideration the things we've seen, the things we've been through. I feel like I'm always being watched, like I have to prove I'm the 'good' guy, because god forbid I come up with some other plan to destroy your precious fucking world that's going to hell all on its own. Everything I have built up again could be gone with one decision you all deem to be 'wrong' and I could be back in that place I still have nightmares about. I have changed so much for you, stifled so much, molded myself into someone you could accept again, given up on what I worked for a century on, all for you, and you still...go to him. And I...who can I go to, Peter? Who can I talk to? Who can I turn to without shattering everything? Not you. Not him. Not your mother. Not Sylar, not Julian, not Claire...so maybe I go out with Sylar now and again, because he has something he needs and I...at least feel like there's something that's mine in the world, if only for a moment, even if it's just an illusion."

He's trembling by the time the words run out, trying to pull back in on himself, to shut down the emotion that threatens to overwhelm. "Is that what you wanted to know?"

[youngerpetrelli]

He's shocked at first, surprised by some of the things that Adam lists, so many of which are things he's sworn are okay and others Adam hides so well he never even had a clue. Finally, though, with the emotions swirling raw around both of them, he nods and quietly answers, "Yeah, it is."

He takes a step closer, hands out, hopefully non-threatening, and says, "Can we talk about it now?"

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

Adam wants to retreat, from the look in Peter's eyes that he thinks is too close to pity, from the words he's said that are hanging in the air, and from all the others still pressing to get out, the tirade he cut off with so much effort, all the other hurts that are there, welling up. How he hated her for thirty years for abandoning him, while she was suffering unfathomable abuse, having her very mind, her memories, stripped away from her. How he nurtured that hate, and it burned all the brighter because of the love, and now that he knows how wrong he was...how guilty he feels. He didn't save her. He left her to that. He hated her while she suffered--while they both suffered, and there's no way to ever get back the life they stole from him. How there are children and grandchildren out there of the woman he married, who went on with her life on a lie, thinking he was dead, who died without knowing the truth, who they ripped him away from and he never got to say goodbye. They aren't his family, but they could have been, and it's just one more marker of everything he's lost.

There's too much, all of it feeding together and looping around, his emotions and thoughts both a naked whirlwind, spinning too fast for any real coherency, and he wants to run, to get out, to say it's too hard. He can't be what they want, and they won't let him be what he can be, and there's nothing in between that's worth anything, because he can't be mediocre. Hiro taught him that too well.

He swallows, looking at Peter somewhere between lost and furious and terrified. "I don't know how." It's an admission of weakness he doesn't want to make, and the words are almost viciously spat out, but at least he manages to admit them.

[youngerpetrelli]

He nods and gives Adam a sad smile. "Yeah, kind of getting that now... But god, Adam, look what it's doing to you, holding it inside. I care about you way too much to let you do that to yourself."

He closes the distance and steels himself for what might happen when they touch, reaches out to take Adam's hand. "First things first, I'm not going to leave you," he whispers. "With everything that happened, I came back and I haven't left. It's not always perfect, but no relationship that means anything is. We're going to have arguments, and," a slight smile, "hopefully we're going to have some really fantastic make-up sex, too. But I'm not going to run the first time something goes wrong." He feels that he needs to get that out in the open first, because if Adam finds it this hard to open up, it's got to be twice as hard for him if he truly believes that he'll cut and run when things get rough.

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

Adam flinches a bit at the touch. As much as he craves physical contact after so long without it, there's that fear now of the loss of the barriers he hides behind, as well. Of being that known, and having nowhere to retreat to, and a real certainty that no one could love what that depth of knowledge would reveal. He was no one, nothing, before Hiro came along, and when he couldn't live up to his expectations...

Even now the boy looks at him sometimes like he's still that mythical hero and Adam wants to shake him and scream that he never was. He was a scared to death 27 year old who'd lost his family and left his country because he had no reason to stay, living in a foreign one where most people would as soon kill him as deal with him, and trying to make some sort of living while escaping the demons that pounded at his heels.

He's still running from some of them.

"Everyone says that, Peter," he says, managing to not pull away through sheer effort of will, though he's struggling to lock his emotions back down. "And eventually, everyone leaves. They've always left. Found someone better. Loved someone more. Threw me out or ran away screaming or drank themselves to death because of who I am. Tried to kill me for my money, after swearing they loved me. Tried to make me into a hero, then took it all away and left me with nothing...everyone leaves. Someday I'll do something one too many times, or something you'll find unforgivable, and you'll leave."

The bitterness in his voice is real and deep, centuries of wounds that hadn't ever really healed. He wants something else, God knows, but his worldview doesn't tell him he can have it, especially with someone like Peter.

"And you have him." He tries to bite back the words, not ones he ever wanted to say, promised himself he wouldn't, but on the roll of hurt and bitterness, he can't seem to stop them.

[youngerpetrelli]

He really doesn't want to deal with this, because he's still not entirely sure how he feels about it, whether there's some blame in there, or just anger at the universe for things turning out the way they did. "Yeah, I do have him. And he's going to get old and die on me, and I'm going to lose him. And you know what that feels like, but I don't yet, and are you surprised at all that I'm clinging to him with every bit of strength I've got?" he asks, desperation tinging his tone. "And when he's gone, I'm going to be broken. I'm not stupid or blind enough to think I won't be. Have you ever, ever thought how scared I am that you might not be there?" Sometimes it's surprising what lurks in the subconscious, waiting for the wrong moment to come out...

"God, Adam, I don't need your money. Look at the way I've been living -- my family is rich and I used my own money to get my nursing degree. I used my own money to get my paramedic's license. I'm learning things we can use when we get our Company up and running, but I'm doing it on my own. I don't care about money. Hell, I could turn everything in this apartment into gold..." He almost lets go of Adam's hand at that, half afraid that the emotional turmoil will make him lose control and do just that, but determined not to. "And I know you're not a hero, but I accept that. I love you." And if this were a faerie tale, that would make everything all right, but he knows it won't. There's something deep down inside Adam that's frightened and broken, and he wants so badly to be able to fix it, and he just doesn't know how... "I love you."

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

"I didn't mean I thought you were after my money," Adam snaps, frustration flaring that for once he's trying to talk about this, and not being understood. "It was an example..." And, yes, something he's been through. The comment about him not being a hero makes him frown and start to pull away. There's a difference between feeling the pressure of it being forced on him, and being told flat out he's failed to live up to his supposed destiny, especially when he's been trying so hard to be everything to everyone.

"Do you know what it feels like to be your back up plan?" he asks, quietly, a lot of the anger draining away to a quiet, tired bitterness. He does pull his hand away, moving to the window, not able to look in his eyes. Staring down at the street below, he barely saw the lights. "You love me, but...not enough. I've made you my world. I...accept it. I don't complain. I wouldn't have said anything if you didn't want to 'talk.' I don't even care it makes my son think I'm sort of freak that I can be so calm, that I can play the game so well, because it's what makes you happy. He and I...we do what makes you happy, Peter, no matter the strain. You won't be the only one who loses him. Claire will lose her father. I will lose my son. And I will be here for you, because I have...because you are my world. Where else would I go now? It hurts to stay, but it would hurt worse to go, so." He swallowed. "I just...wish I were enough. I knew what it was like, once, to be someone's world, to have that...security of knowing. Only once. But maybe once is all you get."

[youngerpetrelli]

He isn't reading Adam, but can sense what it is that makes Adam frown and start to withdraw, and sighs sadly. "I didn't mean it that way -- I thought you felt some kind of pressure and I was trying to make you feel better. God, I'm such an idiot..."

And when Adam pulls away he follows, at a distance, not wanting Adam to feel trapped. "I shouldn't be your world, Adam -- all these other friends and family, we're all part of your world. But you're not my 'back up plan' -- I wish you could understand I love you both, but I want to spend my life with you."

And there are definitely other things he wants to talk with Adam about, especially what he meant about Hiro, but this one is the most important one and he isn't going near the other things until this is settled. No matter how long it takes.

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

"How can I understand when you clearly don't?" Adam asks in a sudden flash of fury, fist hitting the exposed brick by the window with enough force to fracture his knuckles, bruise and break skin, though it heals immediately, just leaving a couple of smears of blood. The pain feels good, though, centering and driving back the emotional pieces, and through it there's a clarity that maybe that's part of the problem, that they have two very different ideas about love.

"You think you shouldn't be what I think you should...it doesn't...I care about them, I would do anything for them, have...Fuck. A big part of me still loves..." He breaks off there, trying to bring the words back under control and into some sort of order. "But you're the center of it. I changed, for you. I try, for you. They don't care. Sylar, Sark, Baileigh, your mother, even Claire, fuck--even Nathan is coming around, at this point, I think...I don't have to reshape my world for them. I do it for you. I keep my mouth shut, for you. Don't act on things I want, for you. I would follow you to the ends of the Earth, if you asked. I would do anything, give up anything...and I have, and I part of me hates myself for it, for letting you do this to me, for letting myself feel this again, but that's what you do when you love someone. They're the most important thing, more important than you. And you don't understand."

[youngerpetrelli]

"I... Adam," he says, taking a step forward when Adam punches the wall, a sharp flash of pain hitting him like an electric shock, "I'm sorry. I... You're right, I don't understand. It's not like I have even a fraction of your experiences. I can count on one hand the number of serious relationships I've ever had. I don't want to make you into something you're not. I don't want to be like Dad, hammering things into the shape I want them and breaking them when they won't fit!" He's shaking now, wanting so badly to reach out and touch Adam and afraid that his touch isn't wanted. Softly, "Tell me what you want from me. Help me understand..." And who does part of you still love...

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

"You're not making me be someone else. You didn't demand it," Adam says softly, flexing his fingers again until the healed bones cracked back into place as he pressed his palm against the glass, wondering how he can make it any clearer. "I love you, and I know...I know if I don't change things, don't give up things...we won't have a chance. I just...want to be enough for someone again, for you to see, for you to love me the way I love you." He sighs. "I hate feeling like this."

[youngerpetrelli]

He looks down at his hand, surprised to see it reaching out, but not surprised to see how much it's shaking. Softly, "I'm scared I wouldn't even realize it if I was. With all these abilities? How would any of us even know?" And he never realized before just how afraid he is of turning into a monster just like Dad...

He takes another step closer, reaches out to touch Adam's shoulder. "All I was to you at first was a tool to use; the first friendly voice in thirty years and a cornucopia of abilities to get you out and help you get revenge... And even with all of that, I want you and I love you -- that has to mean something, doesn't it?" He bites his lip and continues, "I hate that you feel like this. I want to help and I don't know how."

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

Adam hasn't really considered that, but he does know his pattern in love enough to be pretty sure it's not Peter. He reinvented himself for Hiro, didn't he, or for Yaeko, or whatever fucked up combination of the two he thought he was trying to make love him? Taken himself from a drunken nobody to a hero striving for great deeds, embracing a destiny...all for nothing, it turned out, but--he'd done it for love. To see that light in someone's eyes, where they thought he was the greatest thing they had ever seen, to be adored, the way he adored. He'd done it time and time again. Courtier, merchant, trapper, Confederate soldier, bootlegger, pirate, producer, Company leader, all for the girl, or the guy, all to be loved, to not be alone. Maybe it started really young, Who do you want me to be?, or maybe it comes from living too long, he doesn't know, and he doesn't really care, shaking off the thoughts, because tonight they only lead him back to an aching grief of knowing he does know what it feels like to be loved like that in return, but it was so very long ago, he doesn't know why he's dwelling now.

The touch makes him flinch a little, but he doesn't pull away. Instead, he glances over his shoulder, giving Peter a slightly incredulous look. "Of course it means something. It's why I'm here. It's why I fell in love with you. That you can love me at all, after all of that...and I thought...why do you think I haven't said anything, Peter? How could you love me any more than you do? Give any more than you do? I haven't the right to ask for more, and I know it." He turns to look back out the window. "That doesn't lessen the wanting or the hurt. It just keeps my mouth shut."

[youngerpetrelli]

He moves around so he can see Adam's profile, continuing to maintain light contact. Softly, "It's not healthy to hold it all in. I don't care if you're 400 and immortal and don't get sick, it's not good for you. And I don't want you hurting yourself for me..." He bites his lip and reaches up to touch Adam's cheek. "I do love you, and I want to be what you think I am, and I'm not-- But I can try."

A deep, calming breath, then, "I know this isn't all about me and us. I won't pry, but it really might help to get some of it out..."

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

He wants to much to lean into the touch, to just pretend he hasn't said anything and go on like they always have.

"If I thought it would change anything, I'd talk 'til I was blue in the face," Adam says quietly. "But what is the use of putting it all out there only to have it all stay the same? Then not only to the things that hurt before still hurt, but I feel ten times the fool that it's known. Right now...everyone else is happy. What good does my making them miserable do? Do you feel better now that I've said something? Because I sure as hell don't. And some of it...is probably not anything you want to hear, either, even if I talked only to you and kept it from the rest of them." He glances at Peter with a troubled frown. "What is it you think I want you to be that you don't think you are?"

[youngerpetrelli]

"Maybe it won't help immediately, but it's more than obvious -- and you've admitted it yourself -- that you're holding things in. No, I don't feel better right now, and maybe I'm a naive fool, but I think it will help in the long run if we're both more open." Another gentle touch, although his hand trembles slightly, then he adds, "I want to fix this, and I want this to be good for a long, long time, Adam. I don't want this festering until you end up hating me somewhere down the line... I already feel so completely selfish here."

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

Adam bites back the obvious snarky comment there, because it won't help matters any and just watches him for a moment. With a sigh, he moves away, but just to sit down on the sofa, leaning forward a bit to rest his elbows on his knees.

"I've never been...good enough," he starts, then pauses. "No, except for one time, one woman, but that was the exception. I wasn't good enough for my father. I couldn't save my siblings. I wasn't good enough for Hiro, that's for damn sure. Claire is, though, but I wasn't. Wasn't good enough for the girl he told me was supposed to be the love of my life, only she didn't want me. My first wife ran screaming away from me in terror. Another drank herself to death just to get away from me. Your mother..." He pauses again. "Perhaps that's better we don't talk about."

"And now you. I'll always be second for you, no matter how hard I try, or how many hoops I jump through. Every time I do something that feels...like me, I have to worry if it will cost me you, if it's the thing that will break us if you find out, so more times than not, I refrain. I'm trying to build a relationship with my son, and sometimes I feel I'm being ripped apart inside, because part of me wants to forget what he is to me, and just haul off and punch him. Do you know what it feels like to be jealous of my own son?"

[youngerpetrelli]

He follows to the sofa and kneels in front of Adam, looking up at him. "You're not second to me, Adam. Whether you believe me or not, you're not. The only thing I can think of that might even start to prove it is that when I lost control and murdered a man, I came here, to you... Not to Nathan, but to you. And it's not like I did that because you'd know how to cover it up and Nathan wouldn't, because he would. It was because I trusted you not to freak out over it."

He frowns, then, and gives Adam a sad smile. "I don't know a whole lot of the details of what happened with Hiro. I know there was something that happened in the past and things went bad between you two; I know his dad was responsible for locking you up, I know you killed his dad, and I know he buried you alive. And I know how horrible that was for you, after being trapped in that damned cell for 30 years." He doesn't need to read Adam for that, and no amount of holding things in will keep him from noticing Adam's lingering claustrophobia and nightmares. "But I didn't really know how you felt about him. And I know about Mom now, but I'm pretty sure that has very little to do with either of you, and a whole lot more to do with Dad..."

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

Adam doesn't look convinced, though he wants to be, desperately. "The fact that I'm able to handle you killing someone better than Nathan, who'd freak out doesn't really mean I'm not second, Peter. It just meas I'm less easily shocked."

He glances down at his lap, then back up at Peter, reaching out to brush fingers through his hair, lightly. "Hiro and I...at Kirby Plaza, somehow, he got thrown back to 1671, Japan. I was 27. A mercenary samurai, a ronin." He shrugs. "A drunk, really. I left England after my family died, and I was running from ghosts. That's how Hiro found me. He grew up on fairytales about me, or about the name I'd taken. Takezo Kensei. He decided I was destined to be a great hero, and when he found out I had an ability, he set out to make me one, sending me on quests and making me act out what he remembered from his stories. Part of that was falling in love with the 'princess'--the daughter of the swordsmith who crafted my katana. Yaeko. Only I...I don't know. Everything I was doing I was doing for him, because no one had ever...I'd never felt that way before, but I was trying to love her, because he said I should, and I just wanted to make him happy. In the end...he took the girl for himself, and left me alone." He leaves out his reaction. He figures Peter knows him well enough to know he didn't react well. "I didn't see him again until the vault in Odessa, when he took me to the coffin."

He's considered some of his and Angela's problems might have been Arthur related, but they'll never know now, and there are still the wounds from it, probably for both of them. Why she married Arthur, why she wouldn't leave him...he didn't want to ask.

His fingers trace lightly through Peter's hair. "It's a repeating pattern in my life, Peter, and it just...feels like it's coming around again."

[youngerpetrelli]

Lets out a tiny huff of frustration and says, "No, it means I trusted you with something that scared the hell out of me..." But that discussion is brushed aside by what Adam tells him about his past with Hiro, and he lets out a soft, "Oh," then bites his lip and shakes his head. "I'm not going to do that to you, ever. I don't know how to make you believe me, but I'm here, with you, no matter how rough things might get."

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

Adam sighs, closing his eyes briefly in frustration of his own, giving in. "All right, Peter."

He slumps back on the sofa, sinking into the cushions. "It doesn't stop my being jealous. It doesn't stop the tension in my head, or the disconnect. You're still asking me to go against all of my inclinations. I don't share well. I don't...do a lot of things I've done since meeting you, and it makes me feel...like I'm losing myself. And I don't know how to fix it without messing us up somehow, even though you say no matter what."

[youngerpetrelli]

He reaches up to gently lay a hand on Adam's side, then says, "Every relationship is compromise, if the people involved care about each other. You don't lose yourself, you just... I don't know, change..." He looks up at Adam with a slight smile. "I don't want you to stop being yourself -- I really like the you that I got to know over those months in the Company's cells..." A deep breath, then he steels himself and asks, "Was that you all a lie?"

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

Adam frowns a little, mostly surprised by the question as that time, their time together then, was some of the last time he remembers feeling like himself. "No, Peter, that wasn't all a lie. It wasn't a lie at all." Even if Peter had interpreted "save the world" differently than he'd meant it. "But since then..."

He makes a slight face. "What do you compromise, in this? The fact that I have a different moral center than you? Your integrity in being with someone like me? Because I never know what it is you want from me, or see in me, after all of it. I gave in to your fait accompli, and I just...I don't know anymore where it is we're meeting, of if I'm supposed to be giving in whenever, because you've already given in so far in taking me back."

[youngerpetrelli]

"I like that you -- and I'm pretty sure this you is still that you... I want to save the world with you. I've always wanted to save the world with you," he says softly. "I just don't want to destroy everyone or hurt people to do it, that's all..."

He reaches to take one of Adam's hands, then says, "Not enough, obviously, or we wouldn't be at this point. I want us to be heroes together. And I want us to be us together. If something I do bothers you, please don't push it down inside and hurt yourself with it -- talk to me about it. I want us both to be happy, and I'm not making you happy." He bites his lip, then very quietly says, "Tell me to stop being with Nathan and I will..."

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"Sometimes sacrifices have to be made for the greater good," Adam says, but it's a battle he doesn't have the energy to fight tonight, and Peter probably won't listen anyway, he thinks. None of them ever do, even though nothing works their way, either.

His fingers curl around Peter's, and he frowns. The offer is bittersweet, everything he wants, and not quite at the same time, and he clings to his hand tightly as he watches him. "I can't tell you, Peter. I can't make you stop and risk you hating me for that later, or him hating me. I don't want to impose rules. I just...No, I'm not happy with things the way they are. I've told you that, now. What you do with that information is up to you."

[youngerpetrelli]

He nods, and he's more than aware of that, but sacrifices should be made by people willing to make them. Otherwise, as far as he's concerned, they're just murders... But this isn't the current argument, and maybe when they get through this, they can really discuss it. Later.

"That's okay, you gave me the answer," he says softly, standing up and moving to sit next to Adam on the sofa. "Just know that I'm not going to hate you, okay? I love you," he says softly, leaning his forehead against Adam's cheek. "And I'm sorry."

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Adam closes his eyes at Peter's move, a feeling of fear flickering through the relief. Change never comes easily in his experience, and even if its one he craves, one he needs in a way that almost makes him ashamed, he fears the consequences. He feels too raw, not used to admitting to what feels like weakness, but he leans into Peter in response, slowly dragging fingers up his arm and over his shoulder until he can curl them in his hair, stroking lightly.

"I should apologize. I'm not usually...I never wanted you to see me like this..." He turns his head to kiss him, softly. "I just wanted to make everyone happy..." Which is something far too strange a thought, honestly.

[youngerpetrelli]

Softly, "Never wanted me to see you like what, human?" He gives Adam a small smile, then kisses him again. "No one is strong all the time, no matter who they are." He holds Adam close, his empathy still picking up some of his lover's emotions even though he tries so hard not to pry. "You've been strong for me when I'm not -- I can be strong for you if you'll let me. It's not a bad thing..."

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Adam makes a little face, though he doesn't confirm Peter's guess about being human or not. He tries so hard to be more than human, after all, but he lets Peter hold him instead of pulling away like he did earlier. "I don't know how..." Which isn't quite true. More like he doesn't remember. He hasn't been able to let down his guard in decades, and doing it even this much has left him a little shaky.

[youngerpetrelli]

One hand strokes slowly up and down Adam's back, soothing -- at least he hopes it is -- and holding him close. "It's okay -- you've had to be so strong for so long. I get it -- I really do. You couldn't show them any sign of weakness or they would have been all over you. But it's okay now, Adam. You're not their prisoner any more. You're free, and you're among friends, and I want to help you any way I can..." He tries so hard to communicate his emotions and his concerns, but words are so clunky sometimes. But no matter what, he won't intentionally breach that mental barrier unless he's invited.

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Adam shakes his head a little, uncertain how to even start to say much more. He is exhausted from the running through as much as he has. The rest of it seems almost too much to even contemplate. He leans into him a bit more. "I can't just learn a new skill overnight, Peter. I can't just...not be me..." It sort of comes back to that in some ways, because this feels so wrong, all of it, so disconcerting and uncomfortable for him. Part of him knows it's for the best, that it's right, but it feels like a too tight coat, and he doesn't know how to shift fully, yet.

[youngerpetrelli]

Softly, "This is the part where I remind you I'm going to stick around, because there's no rush at all. I'm going to be here for you, whenever you're ready." He closes the distance and kisses Adam again. "I love you."

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

Adam returns the kiss a little desperately, clinging to him even as he tries not to. It's ridiculous to need any one person so, but he can't seem to help it any more, no matter how upsetting that might seem. "I love you, too," he murmurs, sliding his fingers up and through his hair lightly. "Just be patient with me..." It seems like far too much to ask, all things considered, but he doesn't know how else to even contemplate getting through all of this turmoil in his head. It's been centuries since he felt do unsure of himself.